Creating New Holiday Traditions When You’re From A Dysfunctional Family
The holidays come with pressure to uphold family traditions and rituals of the past, even ones that are harmful or toxic.
Many dysfunctional families carry on traditions with no other reason than, “Because it’s tradition.” They arbitrarily repeat rituals, even if all that they bring is disappointment, conflict and disconnection.
One of our arbitrary traditions growing up was my grandfather making minced meat pie every year, knowing that nobody liked it. So the tradition became requiring the kids to sit at the table until we finished the plate of pie, which sometimes took hours. Others have a family tradition of sharing a meal with the same group of people every year, even if the meal always in yelling, crying or silent tensions. Or of drinking excessively to celebrate the holiday, leading to fights and anger.
There are also traditions that we treasure and people that we want to honor throughout the season. Growing up, my mom always liked to get “Charlie Brown trees” and I loved to decorate it, even if it was by myself. Those are traditions that I carry through because they make the season more meaningful to me. I also honor family members who are no longer here by making their favorite foods and doing activities that we loved to do together.
The Value in Tradition
Tradition should bring something positive like joy, honoring a loved one, connection. love or celebration. As a child in a dysfunctional family, you didn’t have a choice of whether you wanted to participate or not.
As an adult, you may enter the holiday season each year thinking, “This is the year it will be different, calmer or less chaotic. This will be the year that I finally feel like I can be myself around my family and have a good time.” You may try different strategies in efforts to make the family holiday actually joyful, only to be let down when things turn out like they always do.
If this is something you experience, you are definitely not alone. And this is the season that you can choose to do things differently, create new rituals and start finding solace in the season. You can choose the rituals we want to participate in and create ones that we notice bring us peace. Maybe you want to spend time with a specific family member, but not in the traditional setting so you set up a different way to get together. And maybe you notice that you enjoy going for walks and documenting the changing of the season. And you have a new group of friends that you want to travel with sometime around the holidays because those are the people you feel most like yourself with.
Unwrapping New Traditions
Imagine saying “No” to the chaos and instead choosing cozy moments with a cup of hot peppermint tea in hand, surrounded by flickering lights and people that you feel safe with. There may be solo moments of reflection, gatherings with chosen family or whimsical adventures that ignite your spirit.
It’s important to craft traditions that speak to you and your values. Find rituals that encompass your growth and that envelop you in the warmth of love. In creating new rituals, you are inviting a sense of agency and control into a season that you may have felt helpless or alone in in the past. See these traditions as seeds that you are planting to create a new story for yourself. You are rewriting and rewiring by prioritizing your well being and filling your life with more moments of peace.
Examples of new traditions to start:
Ice skating on Christmas day
A potluck with your chosen family
A cookie gift exchange for connection and creativity
A solo trip on a new adventure
Making your loved ones favorite meal
Remembering someone who is no longer with you by doing something they enjoyed around the holidays or something that you used to do together.
From Chaos to Calm
Creating new traditions means taking a step back and reflecting on what the holidays mean and represent for you. In the beginning you are experimenting with different things and different people to see what resonates with you and what is aligned with your values. You may have different rituals in different seasons of your life because our values and lives are always evolving.
What’s most important is to be present and prioritize the people, experiences and activities that make you feel present, like yourself and that warm you up with love.
Some questions that you can ask yourself as you develop new traditions:
How am I currently celebrating the holidays?
What are childhood traditions that I enjoyed? Why?
Traditions I hated? Why?
Are there any things I’ve wanted to start doing over the holidays?
Who do I enjoy spending the holidays with?
Who do I not enjoy spending time with?
Who do I want to limit time with?
How can I take care of myself over the holiday season?
Is there anyone I want to honor over the holidays?
Reclaiming Joy
Creating new rituals and traditions that prioritize your well-being is an important part of rewriting your story. It is a step towards taking yourself out of survival mode and creating a life that feels more fulfilling than the one you grew up with.
In creating new rituals, you reclaim the title of author in your own story. And can sculpt a sanctuary of warmth and healing. These new traditions are intentional practices of self-love and reclamation of yourself.
Explore new ways of celebrating the season that involve your values and that fill up your cup. And remember, the holidays are a social construct and yours do with whatever you wish.
