Changing Negative Core Beliefs with Self-Compassion (Not Self-Criticism)
Negative core beliefs are part of the deeply held assumptions you carry about yourself and the world around that begin forming in early childhood and continue to develop through your life experiences. Core beliefs can be positive or negative, and they form as your brain tries to make sense of what’s happening. In especially stressful or overwhelming moments, your brain creates simple conclusions based on those experiences and the support (or lack of support) around you.
For example, when caregivers are responsive and safe, you may develop positive beliefs like “I can trust others” or “I deserve to have my needs met.” But in environments that are neglectful, chaotic, or painful, you may begin to internalize negative beliefs like “I’m a burden,” “Something is wrong with me,” or “It’s not safe to express myself.” Over time, these beliefs can become so familiar that they feel like facts rather than learned patterns.
Your negative core beliefs can quietly shape your choices, relationships, and sense of self and end up keeping you stuck and holding you back from going after what you truly want. But here’s the important part: negative core beliefs don’t have to be permanent. They were learned through experience, which means they can also be unlearned, reshaped, and softened with intention and self-compassion.
Why negative core beliefs are so common with trauma and PTSD
Trauma and PTSD create environments and situations that allow negative core beliefs to develop.
Those who experienced trauma or who grew up in dysfunctional families have had negative core beliefs reinforced through the repetition of many hurtful, neglectful, and abusive situations. In these cases, negative core beliefs act as a survival mechanism developed to protect you. Eventually, they become your default beliefs about yourself and those around you.
Some common negative core beliefs include:
“I’m unlovable.”
“I’m not good enough.”
“I don’t deserve it [success, happiness, a good life].”
“I’m not smart enough.”
Often, these beliefs form from an early age, a time when your brain picks up on the cues from your caregivers and environment to help you make sense of the world around you. When that environment doesn’t meet your needs for stability, love, and validation, your young brain reaches these conclusions that become internalized over time and feel like facts to you. This is why it can be so difficult to break free from those long-held beliefs, especially on your own.
How to identify your negative core beliefs
The wonderful news is that your brain is not permanently stuck in its ways and can be rewired to think differently. This is called neuroplasticity, or the ability of the brain to change and rewire neural pathways over the course of your life.
Take the first step to rewiring your negative core beliefs by learning to identify them:
Build awareness. You might be unaware of what your core negative beliefs are and how they affect you. Start to notice your thoughts so you can identify them, especially when you have negative thoughts about yourself. They may come automatically without thinking. Pay attention to recurring patterns in your thoughts and behaviors.
Consider perceptions. Consider how you perceive yourself and others and why. As children, we can internalize what we hear from our parents and adults around us. If we are mistreated, neglected, abused, or constantly criticized, we start to see that as the truth which can lead to a negative core belief about ourselves which is usually not true.
Reflect. Reflect on your past experiences and how they have shaped your beliefs.
You may also notice patterns and behaviors that are the result of your negative core beliefs. Watch for characteristics like perfectionism, self-isolating, and people-pleasing to name a few. Working with a therapist can be a great help to better understand your core beliefs and how to rewire them into positive ones.
Why self-compassion is more effective at rewiring your negative core beliefs
Negative core beliefs inherently involve a sense of shame that can keep you stuck. When something triggers your sense of shame, your negative core beliefs about yourself will pop up making you feel like something is wrong with you, not the action itself. You then start feeling bad about yourself and escape into maladaptive behaviors like self-isolating, overeating, or people-pleasing. The coping behavior creates more shame, reinforcing the negative belief as the cycle continues.
Being kind to yourself and showing self-compassion is a more effective way to deal with your negative core beliefs. Instead of feeding the shame monster, you can learn to recognize your negative beliefs as they happen and interrupt the reinforcement of shame.
Learn to speak to yourself like someone you love or imagine you are talking to the younger version of yourself who first developed that belief. Building new self-talk patterns can help you rewire how you talk to yourself and lead to healthier beliefs.
Ways to respond to your negative core beliefs
As your awareness of your personal negative core beliefs builds and you can stop yourself in the moment to recognize when they come up in your thoughts, it’s good to have a plan on how to help deal with them so they don’t rule you. Try these self-compassion techniques.
Mindfulness
Mindfulness, or simply paying attention to what your negative beliefs are can help you understand why you may have that belief. When you stop to notice it instead of automatically reacting, you’re more likely to question where it came from and not immediately accept it as the truth.
Get curious in a non-judgemental way. Ask yourself, “Where did this belief come from?” “What evidence supports this belief?”
Notice how the negative belief feels in your body. Are you clenching your body or do you notice a tightness? Bring this awareness into your mind so you can become aware of how this belief impacts you.
As you begin to use mindfulness more to evaluate your negative beliefs, you’ll create an awareness that allows for a separation of the belief from who you are as a person. Once you do this, you’ll be able to choose to respond differently the next time these beliefs arise.
Speaking to your younger self
How you speak to yourself reflects your inner thoughts. Consciously shift this with how you talk to yourself by pretending you are talking to the younger version of yourself. What should she have heard instead? What did she long to hear?
The more you practice talking to little you, the more self-compassion you’ll develop for yourself. You can even keep a journal of each time you respond to your negative beliefs by what you would say to younger you. Writing will also help slow your thinking so you can better assess your beliefs. This is a great way to promote inner-child healing.
Using realistic affirmations to replace them
Positive affirmations can also be a helpful tool to change your negative beliefs into positive ones. Replace your negative beliefs with positive words, but make sure you create realistic affirmations for yourself. You have to tell yourself something you believe for it to stick.
For example, if you tell yourself “I’m beautiful” but don’t believe it, you won’t actually reinforce the belief. Instead, use something like, “I’m struggling with confidence, but I have value regardless.”
The role of EMDR Therapy in changing negative core beliefs
As mentioned earlier, it can be difficult to rewire your negative core beliefs on your own due to the work you have to do to separate yourself from them, the awareness you have to build, and the challenge of escaping the cycle of shame. For this reason, therapy and in particular EMDR therapy is a way to accelerate this change.
EMDR therapy is an evidence based approach used to treat trauma. Since negative core beliefs are often tied to childhood trauma, it can be useful to use EMDR therapy to go after the source or your negative beliefs–often your memories–and reprocess those that are related to that trauma.This therapy deals with both the mind and body and many report an immediate feeling of change after reprocessing memories.
With EMDR therapy, the emotional intensity tied to the memory is lowered. This can help you get unstuck from your negative beliefs faster than without EMDR therapy. As you process your past memories, you create more space for more positive core beliefs.
Your thoughts don’t define you
We all have negative core beliefs. However, when they keep us stuck from living the life we want it’s time to work on shifting them. Your trauma or the beliefs you’ve held onto since childhood don’t have to define you.
Continuing to hold on to your negative beliefs will not help you grow into the healthier version of yourself. Remember to show yourself compassion as you rewire your beliefs and that EMDR therapy is an option to help you replace the negative beliefs with the positive beliefs you deserve.
If you’re in Nevada and looking for a therapist to help you work through your negative core beliefs, Allison is trained in EMDR therapy and has openings for new clients. Book a free call with her here.
