Breaking Free From Childhood Patterns: a millennial woman’s guide to reparenting
Have you ever watched the show New Girl? If you haven’t, I highly recommend. Nick is one of the main characters, and he grew up with a father that he couldn’t trust, rely on or have honest conversations with. In adulthood, Nick struggled to take care of his physical, emotional and mental health. He struggled with self-worth and maintaining healthy romantic relationships and setting healthy boundaries.
However, throughout the series, you get to see him reshape the narrative of how he views himself and what he believes that he deserves. As this internal work happens, his external world changes as well. We watch him slowly reparent himself, find safety in vulnerability and create habits that illustrate self respect. This is a journey that so many adult children of emotionally immature parents embark on so that they can free themselves of the dysfunctional patterns learned in childhood.
The goal of this post is to provide practical guidance on reparenting yourself after a chaotic upbringing. We will go over what it means to “break free from childhood patterns” and why it is so important and freeing. This post will cover the impact of childhood experiences, the concept and steps of reparenting, as well as practical tips for mending unhealed wounds.
Understanding Childhood Patterns and Their Impact
Childhood patterns are behaviors or narratives that we learned in our developmental years that are lingering in adulthood, and often wreaking havoc on our happiness and well-being. These can include things like people-pleasing, emotional suppression, believing that you are not good enough or that you cannot trust anyone. These behaviors are often survival responses that we learned in childhood. For example, you may learned to people please when around your emotionally immature parent in order to avoid reaction or conflict. Or you may have began to suppress your emotions in order to avoid feeling like “a burden” to the people around you.
Growing up with emotionally immature parents impacts our well being in adulthood in multiple ways. The unpredictability can create hyper-vigilance, anxiety and feelings of powerlessness or helplessness. The conditional love can create feelings of worthlessness and an intense fear of rejection or abandonment in interpersonal relationships. The constant criticism and guilt trips can create the belief that you are responsible for everything and also a burden for having your own needs, opinions or emotions.
These experiences impact our nervous system and physical health, our emotional well-being, mental health and social lives. These developmental traumas shape the narrative we tell outsells about ourselves, about other people and the ways out bodies respond to stressors. Without healing, these patterns will continue to haunt us and shape our realities.
Emotionally immature parenting usually involves self-centeredness, love that is conditional, a lack of emotional support and an unpredictable, unstable environment. These parents have difficulty with self-reflection, healthy boundaries, accountability and filling the role of being an available parent. As adult children of these types of parents, symptoms usually include low self-esteem, difficulty setting boundaries, and emotional dysregulation.
The Concept of Reparenting
Dr. Rick Hanson discusses the concept of “identifying what your vitamin C is” and resupplying yourself with it. Your “vitamin C’s” are the unmet needs from your childhood. This could include creating a stable and predictable environment for yourself, practicing healthy boundaries in your interpersonal relationships, finding healthy role models for support and building relationships based on trust, empathy and understanding.
Reparenting is becoming the protective, nurturing and wise figure for yourself that you never got from your caregiver(s). It is a combination of exploring your childhood and adolescence to gain understanding and providing the things for yourself that have been unmet.
Reparenting is such a critical part of healing because it allows you to actively change your narrative and the patterns that are keeping you stuck in childhood survival responses. It allows you to begin finding internal validation, safe and supportive interpersonal relationships and a stable and secure environment that is conducive for growth.
It is an act of breaking generational cycles.
As you reparent yourself, you begin healing emotional wounds and developing a healthier self-image. If you grew up neglecting yourself in order to prioritize your parent and prevent rejection, then as an adult reparenting may be prioritizing your own needs over gaining approval from others. This allows you to begin healing the wound that “other people’s needs are more important than my own” and you begin to see yourself as someone worthy of the love and care that you give her.
Or maybe you grew up suppressing your emotions in order to avoid feeling like a burden. So as an adult, you reparent yourself by beginning to name your emotions, allow them and express them to people that you trust. This allows you to begin healing the wound that you are “too much” and build safe relationships with people who are emotionally available and supportive.
Steps to Reparenting Yourself
Step 1: Self-Awareness and Reflection
This step involves getting curious about your story. What was life like for you as a kid and adolescent? Who were the major characters and supporting roles? How did you get through the hard stuff? This can be done through journaling, discussing with a therapist or with a trust4ed friend.
It is exploring your journey and being aware of how that journey is still coming up in your present life. What themes are still present? And how are they serving you now?
Step 2: Emotional Validation and Compassion
Once we are starting to become more aware of our narratives and patterns, we can begin validating those experiences instead of shaming or judging ourselves.
This can sounds like, “That was really difficult and I coped in the best way I could at the time” and “I am still holding some hurt from back then and that makes sense.” Self compassion involves naming how we feel, offering ourselves kindness in that experience and acknowledging that we are not alone in this pain or discomfort.
This allows you to reshape how you respond to stressors and the narrative that you tell yourself about who you are.
Step 3: Setting Healthy Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for maintaining healthy relationships and personal well-being. They are limits the ensure your needs and limits are respected. Healthy boundaries enhance self-esteem and self-respect, as well as promote relationships that are based on mutual respect, trust and equity.
To establish your boundaries, explore what areas in your life and relationships are creating distress, anger or resentment and then identify if there are limits that you’d like to set. Keep in mind that your boundaries are not about controlling other peoples behavior, but rather letting them know what your limits are.
Step 4: Nurturing Your Inner Child
Healing your inner child and the wounds that she is carrying is a part of reparenting yourself. You can begin this process by engaging in creative hobbies and playful activities, that bring you joy and make you feel present. It can be activities you enjoyed as child or things you’ve always been afraid to try. Whatever sparks curiosity.
Healing your inner child also involves creating a safe and supportive environment so that you feel safe exploring this hidden and vulnerable parts of yourself. This can look like creating spaces in your home that are comfortable, creating daily rituals and routines and building a healthy support system.
Step 5: Building a Supportive Network
Building supportive relationships and community provides you with opportunities to reshape how you view relationships, changes the relationships you choose to spend your energy on and the types of boundaries you set in those relationships.
Reparenting yourself involves building healthy relationships with individuals who can provide emotional support and meet the needs that weren’t met in your relationship with your caregiver. They provide a way to learn healthy dynamics and find healthy role models who allow you feel a sense of belonging. Surrounding yourself with post influences can significantly enhance your journey toward healing childhood wounds.
Here are several ways to build and nurture these relationships:
Join support groups - whether in person or online, look for groups that focus on emotional healing, childhood trauma or adult children of emotionally immature parents.
Attend workshops or seminars - These can be community events that help you connect with others or participating in workshops or seminars focused on personal development, emotional intelligence an healing from trauma.
Engage in hobbies and interests - Participate in clubs or groups that align with your interests, such as book clubs, sports teams or hobby groups or volunteer to meet like-minded people.
Build and maintain healthy relationships - Invest time in nurturing relationships with friends and family members who are supportive and understanding. Establish and maintain healthy boundaries to ensure your relationships are positive and respectful.
Work with a professional - work with a therapist or counselor who specializes in trauma and family dynamics. They can provide guidance and help you build a support network.
Practical Tips for Millennial Women
Integrating reparenting into daily life involved developing habits and practices that nurture your inner child, foster emotional growth and create a sense of safety and support. Some effective ways to do this:
Establish daily rituals like creating a morning and evening routine
Ensure regular exercise, eating, and adequate sleep to support overall well-being
Incorporate mindfulness into your day by taking moments to breathe deeply and ground yourself
Use apps or online resources for guided meditations focused on healing and self-compassion
Spend time on creative hobbies
Journal regularly to self-reflect
Make an effort to connect with supportive friends and family members
Clearly define and maintain boundaries to protect your emotional health
Cultivate a nurturing and compassionate inner voice that reassures and supports you
By integrating these practices into your daily routines, you can create a supportive environment for your inner child, promote emotional ealing and foster personal growth.
Take Away
Reparenting yourself as a millennial woman is a transformative journey that empowers you to break free from the restrictive patterns of you childhood. By understanding and addressing the impact of emotionally immature parenting, you can develop healthier ways to meet your emotional needs and foster personal growth.
As you embark on this journey, remember to be patient and compassionate with yourself. Reparenting is not about achieving perfection but about making consistent, positive changes that inhale your well-being. Utilize the tools and strategies outlined in this guide - such as establishing a self-care routine, seeking support from a therapist and building a support network - to create a nurturing environment for your inner child.
In breaking these generational cycles, you are not only healing yourself but setting a new standard for future generations. Embrace the opportunity to rewrite your story and build a life that reflects your true potential and desires. Your journey towards reporting is a powerful testament to your commitment to living a healthier and more fulfilling life.
