5 Habits That Are Not Helping Your Anxious Attachment
What are Attachment Styles?
Attachment styes are the ways in which we connect to other people. They are the threads that bind us together, shaping our experiences of love, connection and belonging. Having an anxious attachment style is not inherently negative. It is often learned in your family of origin and the attachment you had to caregivers. With self-awareness and personal growth, you can develop a more secure attachment in relationships.
Image your favorite romantic comedy - the connections, the heartbreak and the self-discovery. Each main character enters a romantic relationship with a certain narrative, which usually makes sense later based on their backstory. For example, some characters have the narrative that “people are not to be trusted” and therefore they avoid relationships and vulnerability. Or, they have the narrative that “my worth is based on my relationship status” and may hyper-focus on the relationship at the cost of other areas of their life.
Types of Attachment Styles
There are four types of attachment styles - but remember that your attachment style can change over time and can vary from relationship to relationship.
Secure Attachment: the protagonist that is surrounded by a supportive cast, offering unwavering trust and love (think Harry Potter and Hermione). The essence of secure attachment is feeling confident in your relationships, able to express your needs and find comfort times of distress. They are able to navigate lives challenges with residence because they know they have a solid foundation of love and support.
Anxious Attachment: this is the character that is consumed by uncertainty and is constantly seeking reassurance and validation from others. There is often a fear of abandonment and struggles with self-doubt. They may cling to unhealthy relationships and often experiences heightened emotional turmoil when they don’t experience the security and closeness that they are craving.
Avoidant Attachment: This character is the lone wolf. They prioritize independence and distance themselves from emotional intimacy. They often shy away from commitment, fearing vulnerability and relying only on themselves even though set also crave connection and acceptance.
Disorganized (Fearful/Avoidant) Attachment: This is the character that is caught between the desire for closeness and the fear of being hurt. This is a complex attachment, where one oscillated between longing for intimacy and pushing others away. Despite the inner conflict, they yearn for a sense of belonging and security.
How Can You Tell If You Are Anxiously Attached?
Since this blog post is focused on habits that are making your anxious attachment worse, lets dive deeper! Some signs that you are anxiously attached in relationships:
Rumination on the relationship and difficulty focusing on others things
Hyper-awareness of any changes in your partners facial expression, mood or voice tone and automatically believing it is because you did something wrong
Difficulty stating your emotions and needs due to fear of rejection or abandonment
Constantly seeking validation and reassurance from others in order to feel “worthy enough” or lovable
Intense emotional highs and lows
Habits That Are Making Your Anxious Attachment Worse
Relationships With Avoidant Partners -
Anxious and avoidant partners often find themselves together because they reinforce each others world views. In these dynamics, the more the anxious partner pursues, the more the avoidant partner withdraws. Which makes the anxious partner more anxious, causing them to pursue even more. And the avoidant partner to withdraw even more. And this goes on and on in a cycle.
In a secure relationship, both partners should feel comfortable sharing their needs, emotions, beliefs and opinions. If you notice that your partner withdraws, disengages or is defensive each time you express a need or emotion, then the relationship may be reinforcing your anxious attachment style.
Weak Boundaries & People Pleasing
Weak boundaries are not your friend if you are trying to move closer to secure attachment. When we take responsibility for things that are outside of our control, our anxiety increases because are giving ourselves a false sense of power. It also causes us to try and live in the future so that we can anticipate and prepare for everything possible outcome (even though this is not actually possible).
This can look like - feeling intense distress if your partner is anything other than happy, believing you need to “fix” others, prioritizing others over yourself and adapting your opinions and beliefs to match those of your partner.
Indirect or Passive Communication
Often times folks with anxious attachment don’t say what they need in fear that they will be rejected or abandoned. Instead, we are indirect in our communication and expect our partners to read our mind. When they don’t, we feel intense disappointment and believe “I’m not good enough”. In these situations it’s important to identify what your expectations, needs and wants are from your partner and express them clearly, directly and kindly.
This may bring the worry, “What if they can’t meet those needs?” If this comes up for you, keep in mind how much time you are saving by being honest about your wants and needs so that you can begin a relationship with someone who is capable and willing to fulfill them.
Putting All Of Your Eggs in One Basket
With anxious attachment, we often wait for the other person to set the pace of the relationship, set the boundaries and take the lead. We anxiously wait to hear from them and for them to define the relationship. We also see that relationship as the most important aspect of our lives, and don’t foster others aspects like friendships, hobbies, self-care or career.
If you fall into this at times, don’t put all of your eggs in one basket on the first date! After the date, check in with YOURSELF. You can ask yourself what you liked about them, how you felt around them, how they spoke to you and how they responded when you talked about what you were looking for in a relationship. Ask yourself what you want instead of waiting on them to define things and allow yourself to develop in areas outside of romantic relationships.
